Only Minority in Friend Group Already Knows Who She Going to Be
NORTH CAMPUS—Halloween is quickly approaching, and friend groups are getting together their last-minute group costumes….
Only Minority in Friend Group Already Knows Who She Going to Be
NORTH CAMPUS—Halloween is quickly approaching, and friend groups are getting together their last-minute group costumes. Among one group of friends, the selection process is exceedingly contentious, with each girl vying for their favorite character. However, Zara Saunders ‘28, the only minority in her friend group, already knows who she’s going to be. This year, Saunders…
Ambitious Group Project Member Needs To Take The Fucking Hint
URIS LIBRARY—Despite increasingly unsubtle attempts to temper expectations for an upcoming group presentation, straight-A classmate Ava Hoffman ‘28 still hasn’t taken the fucking hint. “I don’t think this is going to be graded too harshly,” said Gavin Wu ‘27, who knew he was completely fucked when Hoffman created a group chat three weeks before the…
Motivational Message Etched Into Library Desk Undermined By Penis Right Beneath It
OLIN LIBRARY—Every day, hundreds of students hunker down in the Olin stacks, growing increasingly discouraged as their study sessions drag on. Etched into the Olin desks, however, are the few things that keep struggling students going: motivational messages meant to inspire. Such messages show students that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel,…
Polycule Sex Cult Still Calling Itself “Co-Op”
NORTH CAMPUS—502 Dearborn, a cooperative living space on North Campus, offers students a non-traditional living situation. Unlike dorm living, residents have access to a house of their own, a fully stocked pantry, and 14 or 15 horny polysexuals ready to fuck on a dime. “We cook together, we clean together, we have weekly fuck-parties in…
Cornell Announces “Raw Chicken Wednesdays” to Slim Down Large Freshman Class
MORRISON DINING HALL— With nearly 4,000 students matriculating into Cornell’s Class of 2029, the entire student body has felt the effects of this massive influx: forced triple and quadruple dorms, long lines at service centers, and—perhaps worst of all—dining halls packed around the clock. With the infrastructure clearly unable to handle so many students, Cornell’s…
Americans Defeat Fascism by Putting On Greatest Talent Show This Nation Has Ever Seen
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Millions of Americans joined No Kings protests across the country on Saturday to demonstrate nonviolently against the Trump administration. While record-breaking turnouts from Ithaca to the nation’s capital were one encouraging sign of growing anti-fascist coalition, even more impressive was participants’ fervent desire to put on the greatest talent show this nation has ever…
Mamdani Debates Cuomo As World War I Flying Ace Curtis Sliwa Dogfights Infamous Red Baron
ROCKEFELLER CENTER, NY—While mayoral candidates Zohran Mamdani and Andrew Cuomo battled over topics ranging from the housing crisis to the Israel-Hamas war in Thursday’s debate, Curtis Sliwa engaged in a battle of his own over the war-torn Western Front. At the start of the debate, Cuomo and Mamdani wasted little time launching into a heated…
Pre-Annotated Library Book Tells Student Exactly What Important
OLIN LIBRARY—Between clubs, jobs, and homework, it can be difficult for busy students to tackle entire books for class. What’s more, searching the library for an assigned book can further complicate conquering an assigned reading. For one lucky student, however, the pre-annotated copy he picked up from Olin tells him exactly what’s important. “At first,…
Professor Getting All Excited About Life’s Work Again
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Not even ten minutes into a two-and-a-half hour class, students in GOVT 4250: American Political Institutions report that Professor Jeremy Gilmore is already starting to get all worked up about the lecture material. Students braced for the inevitable crush of boredom as Professor Gilmore ascended his soapbox and began preaching about something to…
Cornell Health Boasts Selective 2% Acceptance Rate for 2025 Appointment Cycle
CORNELL HEALTH—A proud newly accepted class of 15 lucky Cornell students have been selected to fill all available appointment slots this semester. Cornell Health released statistics about their incoming class: “The average stab wound of an accepted patient came in at an impressive 12 inches long, most students filled out their forms in less than…
